So yeah im sitting in class im doin this gay project we have to research a poet and do a 45 min presentation im soo not happy about it, it suppose to be in partners to and im all alone, ....theres so much work to be done too, and shes seems to be giving everyone eles info but me...i dont think she likes me very much......like this is gay and i dont want to present it in front of the class like its stupid :(:(:(:(....and yeah...so, anyways...i havent slept in like a weeek its fuckin stupid liek im soo grouchy too, and like okay i have seasonal depression so like i get all moody and sad and like lets go cut my wrists type thing along with i dont get to sleep either...and i get bad visions and if i get dreams there bad...like very bad....i dont know what to do...i dont think anyone takes me seriously either....but im goin to go to my doctor and get proper sleeping meds that way i'll be able to sleep, or i was thinking just buy a bottle of gravil and take one everynight with my melatonin...cause i'v done that a few times and it works sooo well, other than i always have a pretty bad headache in the morning....im just not doing very good i hate it soo much i just wanna sleep and like die....that would be good...but i guess i cant do that now can i?? ....dom, crystal, beccah, and asia, and hannah i think are all coming down tommoro...im excited but i thought i would eb more excited...i only get excited somtimes....and other times i just wanna go lay down and sleep and like never wake up i know im not gunna get much sleep when there here and im scared that theres gunna be a little fight not saying names but well yall know who you are...and yeah its gunna be tiering i have to work friday and sunday i think but i get saturday off i have to work from 4-5:40 though oh yay!!! im sooo excited about that but at least i get off at 5:40 which is okay cause my brothers b-day party is at 6:00 so it should be fine/....
anyways im off post laters bye@

hmm?

Theres some pics at the bottom k:)

Heey Hey havent posted in a while soo sorry bout that yeah im kinda like blonde haha i lost my username and pass so i just figured out how to get it back now lol.... anyways hmm wuts new wit me??? well i now have like blonde hair lol i also have a wonderful b/f his name is clayton at first my mom Hated him but even tho she dosent want to addmit it i think she's starting to like him ... he's 21 i think thats why she dint like him lol but w/e....ummmm YOUTH COUCILS WAS FACKIN AWSOME!! loved iti have to say, umm we got to stay in girls stafff house soo fricken sweet...but uhhh i like apperantly accourding to my nutritionist have like a 99% chance of having celiac disease yeah its awsome and i cant have glueten or dairy or citris....so i was sick lots i almost was forced to go to the hospital....not fun not fun at all...umm im workin at dominos again but diffrent manager YEAH shes awsome i love working with her im also do like full time daycare but my mom had to take half of that over ....it wasent working with my schedual lol....but yeah anyways heyyyy dude my family and i are doin our christmas on the 15th its gunna rock and the were doin and ourreach dinner on the 23rd and then on the 25th were going into one of the old age homes and spending time with them and bring them cookies and flowers and any kind of gifts we can get...we dont have alot on Money so we dont know how much we can do ohhhh but also on the 23rd (by the way this is all in dec) but on the 23rd that night i get to go and hand out stocking too all the homeless ppls and like so into the shealters and like the needal drops and like rehab centers itsss sooo exciting i did it last yeah and omg IM STOKED to to it again like they people were sooo happy and like i felt so good doin it uhh little things like that makes my heart sing...but yeah so anyone that wants to do that its with Xtreame Outreach....its goin to be soooo fun and also i think we need vollenteeers for the dinner well its more like 3 dinners i think there all free there ment for like the homeless and low income people but like anyone can go and last year we made the new AND AND the fricken Mayor came and helped tooo it was sooo cool oh yeah and we also give PRESENTS out to all the kids in Blanshard court well anyone that knows victoria would know blanshard and its history but anyways my point is that all the familys livin ther have very lil money and so its sooooo coool to help provide so VOLLENTEERS PLZ....so if anyones interested calll me (1250) 888-8804, or my home # is (1250) 220-4660.....but yeah umm imm gunan go to beddderz pce love yah alll

Robbie and ben Cameron

Baby Anna Cameron

Me and Clayton(bad pic of me, but a good shot of my new hair)

Me and Miss Tasha(gunna miss you)<3

Well its been a while ... let me see...i am sixteen now haha...best birthday party ever it was a suprise ....scared the shat outa me :P lol but it was amazin thanks everyone who helped out ....umm i also found out about a week ago that another one of my best friends died her name was julie...such an amazin person but stuggled with deppression and stuff...she went to go jump off a cliff but decided not too but slipped...soo it was pretty tragic...she actually died on the 31 of july i dint find out till aug, 18 so i dint get a chance to go to the funeral....my mom wants me to go to grief coucelin i think i might .... umm what eles has happend...I GOT A TATTOO yay lol...yeha so a diffrent friend well most of my sister died in may ...and it was her birthday on aug 19 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY KALA LOVE YOU SOO MUCH MISS YOU SO MUCH)...so i got a tattoo for her its on my upper back it says "into his arms" in a rainbow shape between my shoulder blades and down my spine it says "KALA" its really pretty i realy like it...umm so also for her mom because my mom and her mom have been best friends since they were 13 we went up to nanaimo on the 21st and spent time with vicky (kalas mom)....which was alot of fun...i went a slept over at my dad too on the last night it was fun... then he took us over to vancouver i was a day early haha lovin it...nicole and beracah were suprised i think :P:P had an amazing time at i think its called Knee drill haha it was aswome...really gave me a chance to kinda find god all over again i was kinda goin off my path for a second there...but i was really saddend...because well everyone got mad at me for smokin and that...and i also found out matt kissed this other girl i mean w/e i liked him everyone knows that(UNFORTINATLY) but yeha that kinda hurt ontop of him like gettin harshly mad at me for smokin again...oh man and im such a fricken chicken i couldent even talk to him about it ....like i sorta mentioned it RIGHT befour he left...but im dissapointed in myself cause that was prolly the last time i was gunna talk to him and it was ruined by ackwardness....and i really enjoy our talked on the comp so i thought they might have been just as good in person but well...ACKWARDNESS....but yeah anyways...im not smokin again just so ppl know.. OH and aww im soo happy andy mac and beracah are finally OFFICAL yay.... PARTY..haha.......j/k....well i am happy for them :P....but a party im a lil crazy.... i really miss everyone like its sooo saddenin like really i dont know what to do...im gunna cry thats what ill do ...*CRYS*...yeah uhhum....crystal and jeff kissed *COUGH*...i dint say that...*COUGH* yes thats right KISSED*cough cough* yepp...so it was interestin but i love vancouver and deff will be back soon im lovin it pce out

Ahhh today has been good, and by the way my mom has been nice to me yay....anyways...met with nicole and beracah at like 12 at there house and ate our pie, thats we made the night befour but it was more like soup pie hahaha, but yeah we baked it the night befour,... but yeah nicole and beracah were both in the weirdest but funniest moods today so that was a major higlight haha i laugh so much of the day....we ended up goin to this all you can eat buffet, chinese foood mmmmmm, but i almost threw up i ate a chicken joint...well spat it out i was really like grossed out haha it was kinda funny...i dont think ill ever be able to eat chicken again...then after that we went to old navey nicole got an awsome outfit toataly gorgeous in it sooo flattering, then went to the Salvation army...then went to mayfair...and walked aroud for a bit and B nded up gettin this shirt at costa blanka which looks soooooo good so good lol , but we dint find pants to go with it soo that actually i dont know why but made me angry and really dissapointed ...like i hate it when me and friends are lookin for somthing and dont find it oh yeah and while we were in the food court okay wait while we were entering the mall my sunglasses broke and then i thought i fixed them but while we were in the food court i realized i hadent and yeha it was making me really mad because it was just one spot one lil spot that would get fixed and it was peeing me off sooo badely, so i ended up sqishin them and throwing them away...nicole and B told me not to but i said that if i had kept them i would have smashed them on our table repeadetly...

MAN im hurting so bad right now....my heart is so heavy and i cant stop crying like, i really fucked up and like i told my mom im not a virgin but i din't tell her at first that it was more than one guy...well today i told her there was more than one guy and man....she is mad she wont talk to me she wont look at me, she dint even deiny (cant spell) that i wasent a slut...and like i havent felt so low in a really loong time like, i knwo that i did my part i litsened to god and stuff, and he forgives me, but i havent felt like this since befour camp and i hate it so yeah if you have any sugestions im here

WARNING VERRY DETAILED(not sutible for younger children)

okay...sooo i made this song/poem a couple months ago now i was really struggeling with some things from my past, and what were happend at that time, i think i might have been on drugs when i made this the poem has been alterd and parts have been cut out for gorey or personal reasons, but most of this is my life and what had happend, what my friends where doin at the time,i also gave it to my mom as a suicide letter had the cops escort me home..... and so on and so forth,, pls dont judge me or think im crazy


Dont Judge Me For Everything

Most days i wish i was never born
I wish i was that unborn baby that died
inside the stomach of a thirteen year old
and when i came out i fell into the F*cken toilet
and was flushed away, carried away, taken away
that way i wouldent have to feel the pain i would feel
when i was born.

I wouldent have to picture myself 15 sittin on top
of a bridge with slit wrists, and f*cken blood running,
and its pouring, its rainin, i could just slip away.

I wasent f*cken planned my f*cken daddy din't want me,
thats why he left, walked out the door,
Siannara baby goodbye, i hate to see you cry but i dont
wanna be a f*cken family no more, You f*cken coward,
I saw you walk out that door, And man after you used to
be a whore, Now look whats your baby gunna be?
cant you see,

You and mom will have to scrape her off a highway, or peel her off a f*ucken
road where she fell and died, Take the knife outa her throte so she couldent cry
find the blood between her legs and know befour she died she was raped,
scraped ....

got in a f*cken scrap learned to rap, your f*cken daughter was a G'
but you wouldent see you had to just leave her be.
She's a f*cken alcoholic and died, she overdosed on pure f*cken Alcohol B!tch,
Give me some XTC(extacy) i'll take 10 caps see what it does to me,
i can feel the heroin in my vains, that shit i havent done in 3 days,

But its still there, You notice it, it will always be there, but
befour i die i'll fucken break into a bitches house, slit
some throtes hang the from the roof,
then i'll go back the next night, and you better be sayin your prayers tonight,
i'll paint there f*cken walls with blood, i'll kill her unborn child, and
slit his throte, i'll make her cry and then she'll die,
i'll hang her from a rope, then i pce

When i go to the morge after im dead, the cases will open
and i'll be raped again even after im f*cken dead,
I'll scream inside, but i wont be able to hide.
and so your all at my funeral mournin my death, but i dont want that,
you cheat death, i want you all to go home and drink your sorrrows away,
Let a mother f*cker p!ss on my grave, im not really there, i was never there
i was already dead, burned f*cken alive, from all the lies,

So there, there's no real body just an empty casket,
almost like i was never made, my mom and dad planned my brother
and daddy stayed, they all lived happily ever after
B!TCH THATS HOW IT WAS MADE!!

CONFESSIONS

WOW... crazzzzy night for me last night man i never wanna go through the guilt and humility i went through again man, so ill tell you about it... it was like 3 in the morning and me my mom and my brother were all still up and i really felt god tellin me to tell my mom somthing that had been buggin me for a while... so i went outside to where she was and explained one of the real reasons for quiting my job was for the sexual abuse, and that jazz and i really dint want to tell her the next thing but i did she kinda guessed it which i thought she would but it was that im not a virgin and that i gave myself away to a 23 year old ...and told her that i had been involved with some pretty messed up people, and man im suprised and very proud of her but she toook it AMAZINGLY well like i thought she'd freak but she understands that i have changed and i dint this so we can have trust in out relationship and she just said you are only human people make mistake, but i was just so scared she like wouldent love me or like not want to talk to me ever again but i feel pretty good about telling her .... oh and if anybody know a good site for hebrew simbols and signs and stuff tell me im lookin for the simbol of PURITY, and STRENGTH, and YESHUA thx :):):)

Just a few things i wanna do somtime in my life....
-Go to These places
-Hawaii
-Brazil
-Germany
-England<3
-France
-mexico
-Brooklyn
-Isreal
-Africa
-Crazy things??
-Bunjee jump
-Sky dive
-Get a tattoo (in 10 days)
-Do a Really crazy stunt
-Finish School
- Go to medical school
-Become a Doctor
-Be a doctor in diffrent countys of need
-I want to learn to play guitar
-Piano
-And drums
-I want to be able to learn one other language
-French
-Hebrew
-Spanish
-Russian
-I want to find a decent guy, who actually cares
-Get married on a beach <3
-have two or three kids
-Live in a decent house with a BEAUTIFUL garden
-Live in a diffrent counrty for a year

The Duck & the Devil
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given
a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he
could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for
dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the
head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister
watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But
Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then
she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just
smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to
help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and
Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's ... he
finally couldn't stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt
down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing
at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave
you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps
throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred
anger, bitterness, etc.) ...whatever it is....You need to know that God was
standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your
whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only
forgives you, but He forgets ..... It is by God's grace and mercy that we
are saved.
God is at the window.

so today was okay...went shoping and swimming...then went and saw "john tucker must die" really good movie i loved it, it reminded me of this guy i used to like we were like kinda together anyways thats not the point he liked me i liked him for the longest time since i was eight...untill about a year or two ago...yeah... i just thougth it would have been fun to show him what it was like to get your heart broken lol...but he moved...ANYWAYS...enough ashley enogh....im really having a hard time with like my image these day and like guys and especially what guys think of me i dont know whats wrong with me like i usually dont care about this kind of stuff but really...like personally i think its my new hair cut it makes me look like a boy...and im gettin fat....and with my hair cut and being fat at the same time i really dont look good in dressy things anymore its really sad, like i dont know i think guys prolly think im like a dike or somthing ....i dunnno i mean i used to have guys chasing me and like the one guy i really like i cant even seem to get i mean it prolly sounds wrong but i dont even like him for like physical reasons i just really like him...but hey w/e i dont care im over it .....or i will be in like a day or two...i hope....i just need to focus on somthign eles...like loosing weight ...and gettin my hair back god....and ill try to like not talk to him for a while...mabey i dont know its kinda gay but w/e, mabey ill rethink everything and write a new post after i'v actually had proper sleep k...okay ...

Wow nanaimo was soo much fun, lol went to the lake like everyday haha at like 9 i went skinny dippin just me and my friend ashlee so i dint matter i did somthing bad tho i smoked a whole cig this time :( i swear it gets worse everytime....it was with my father too and let me say i could actually not like him very much right now he treats me like i dont have feelings like im a bother like he seemed to always want to get rid of me .... he loves his friends more than me... it feels horrible...i dont know what to do like all my life i was searching for a man that wasent there a man to love me and i reilized it was because i dont have my dad i have been searching...and i finally reilized that i may never get a father in life and human form but i'll always have my father YHWY....which was kinda hard for me at first but i do reilize that i dont need my dad or a boyfriend or any othe guy to make me feel good, having gods love and just living for him being high on him is all i need... but yeah...lol .... somthing funnny happend today ashlee's day came and pick me and ashlee and ashlee's brother andrew up and when we were driving we turned this corner and heard like a thump i guess andrew had forgot that he put his laptop on top of the roof LMAO it was soo funny ...i tryed so hard to keep my laughter in lol....anyways im a go for now bye

AAAHHHHHH im sooo angry today i hate this stupid fricking gay day like the worst my brother is always treating me like shit like seriously i dont even know how longer i can take it i actually wanted to punch him in the face really hard and i would have enjoyed it i should feel liek this towards my brother but he makes me crazy ...and my lil sister is always giving me sooo much adittuide like shes only seven but i dont shes soo smart for her age and very spoiled so like i dont even know how to control her like she just dosent litsen....and like im used to being in my own space or having my own space to go when i feel like this but my room is being occuppied at the moment and its really hard for me like i love vicky and all but i hate feeling like this and like people just have been giving me trouble ever since i got up and like befour i accpeted god into my life the never did this because they were scared i'd run off or do somthing eles but know they know im not gunna do that so i feel liek there taking advantage of me like when i was like that i would have like punch my brother yelled and sweared at my mom just blowen up right but im trying to be good...follow YHVW's rules and shit but omg its soooo hard i feel liek im gunna break like i dont even know what to do i want to call somone but i hate bothering people with my problems like it seems like i always have so many problems all the time ...i wish i could just ......i dont know...fuck the world

YEAH greatest day lol...i slep over at my friend amys house last night(lives next door) haha...and we had STUFFED TOMMATOS crazy eh soo good tho..and a whole pinapple, woke up in such a good mood like unbeliveabley good mood...did VBS then picked up vicky got a really COOL poster...my best friend died in march her mom and my mom are like best friends ever since there were 10 i think but anyways it was really exciting....then i went to my and berecahs lil dock and tanned and spent time with jesus...stopped by at berecahs ...then left with amy to the prayer room ...then like jim, berecah, nicole, chella met us there we were goin to gfo to glad tidings but they were at willows beach...the others dint wanna come so me and amy went lol we met these cool foreigners.....lol SOOO cool amy aske done of them if she could play his guitar..and he let her and we were like singin godly songs and stuff but then she broke his guitar sting :( really sad...then we played moon walked race with this homless guy named edmond...it was really cool he dint knwo how to moon walk tho but yeah had a GREAt day....................

So Today has been a really good day mostly lol did VBS then Cleaned my VERY messy room lol now it looks perfect for my company thats coming down form nanimo im so excited:):)...but i'v really been struggeling with some things in my past these past couple days like really badley, and today i was talking with a friend ...and like at first what they told me dint bother me but i kinda thought about it and now its really discouraging because if they can slip (which dosent really seem like them) then i defently can and im like prone to sliping lol so i just went to the prayer rooms for a while and prayed about it and like everything thats bothering me and i feel a bit better i believe in myself, i beleive that i can do this and if i slip i'll learn from my mistake and i know that god will forgive me...but another thing thats bothering me is hiding somthing from somone thats really close to me i feel like im living a double life but im only doing it to protect them like if i told them what i had done it would break there heart and like they'd be mad, disapointed, mabey reject me for a while and i really don't want that were gettin along soo well right now better then ever..and i dont want to ruin it i know i will have to tell sooner or later but i really dont feel like its the time right now, but if i dont say somthing now i might be making the hugest mistake ...it might hurt them more later than now an di just dont know...i feel like crying everytime i think about it...they things people do befour they find god ...i dont know what to do....

Crazzzzzy...okay so its been a while since i posted....okay so on friday i ended up watching movies with a couple people then Me, Beracah, Kyle, Jim, Scott, Tasha, and joey all went to the prayer room....from like 1-4 AM!!!....crazy night like i mean crazy so much partying , Me and tasha and joey and scott quickly went to the whale wall to try and find my friends mom who's been on the streets and that is dying from using...but we din't find her it was kinda weird tho because we met this mexican guy and like i just stop doing like bad things and like the whole night was about temptation like the mexican guy offerd us weed, we of course said no...LIKE hello goin to the prayer room high yeah right?....and then like about an hour or so into being there i went outside to get some air i was really feeling overwhelmed being in there...and while i was out there i met this guy that lived in the ARC we talked alot about god and like how being on the street wasent fun and i thought he thought i was homeless hehe...but anyways befour i went back inside ANOTHER temptation :(:(:( He offered me a smoke and like it had only been a lil while since i quit...so it was really hard but i managed to say NO!!! thank you...lol....Then me and tasha had gone to the store and on the way back we met this guy OMG he was kinda creepy ...he was like he ladies mind if we walk and smoke...and like TEMPTATIONS GLORE!! at first we were like no thanks and stuff but he kept pressing on like wanting us to smoke it was really weird...i took like a puff :( bad me i know but i was like no i can tdo this...and so we walked back to the prayer rooms and we were talkin about god and this guy like he was making nooo sence ONE: he was drunk, TWO: he was high to...so like he kept saying we were god because god was in us...and like he kept sayin not to judge him ...we invited him in and that went a lil crazy like he was yelling and berecah and tasha and saying he was gunna puch jim in the face its was a lil scary...but he finnally left saying that he hated us but loved us really weird but yeah...that was that night....crazy night i tell you

End of Days??

So i was reading this with my mom and thought i would share it with whoever i could...:) Enjoy

6 Days of Creation = 6000 Years; 7th Day Sabbath (Rest) - 1000 Years (Millennium).= total 7000
For a thousand years in thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past, and as a watch in the night.
Ps 90:4
But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day. 2 Pet 3:8
For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it. Exod 20:11
In Bereshith (Genesis) and Shemot (Exodus), we are told how YHVH made all things in six days, and on the Seventh Day (Shabbat-Sabbath) He ceased from His labour. Why did He do this? YHVH set up the seven-day Divine Plan within which the Messianic Redemption would be fulfilled according to the promise made to the Patriarch Abraham:. In Abraham's "SEED" shall ALL the nations of the earth be Blessed (Gn 22:18; Gn 26:4).
YHVH foreknew precisely what He was going to accomplish before His Divine Plan of Redemption was commenced. I am YHVH, and there is none else; I am YHVH, and there is none like Me, DECLARING THE END FROM THE BEGINNING, and from ancient times the THINGS THAT ARE NOT YET DONE, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I WILL DO ALL MY PLEASURE: Calling a ravenous bird from the east, the man that executes My counsel from a far country: yea, I HAVE SPOKEN IT, I WILL ALSO BRING IT TO PASS; I HAVE PURPOSED IT, I WILL ALSO DO IT. Isa 46:8-11
Unto me, the most inferior of all saints, was this Grace given, that I should preach among the nations the unsearchable riches of the Messiah, and to enlighten all to the administration of THE MYSTERY WHICH HAS BEEN HIDDEN SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE WORLD BY YHVH, who Created all things through Yesuah; according to THE DIVINE PLAN OF THE AGES which he purposed in YHVH, Yeshuah the messiah, our Lord. Eph 3:8-9,11
YHVH Creation was to echo Redemption by defining a "day" as 1000 years (Ps 90:4; 2 Pet 3:8 quoted above). From beginning to end, it was determined by YHVH that mankind was to have only 6 "days" (6000 years) to live out his time on earth. On the Seventh Day, the "Day" of the Lord (Millennium), Yesuah Himself would intervene into human affairs and usher-in the Kingdom of YHVH on the earth.
Our Father in the Heavens, Hallowed be Your Name. Let Your Kingdom come. Let Your Will be done as in theHeavens, so also on the earth. Matt 6:9-13