Well its been a while ... let me see...i am sixteen now haha...best birthday party ever it was a suprise ....scared the shat outa me :P lol but it was amazin thanks everyone who helped out ....umm i also found out about a week ago that another one of my best friends died her name was julie...such an amazin person but stuggled with deppression and stuff...she went to go jump off a cliff but decided not too but slipped...soo it was pretty tragic...she actually died on the 31 of july i dint find out till aug, 18 so i dint get a chance to go to the funeral....my mom wants me to go to grief coucelin i think i might .... umm what eles has happend...I GOT A TATTOO yay lol...yeha so a diffrent friend well most of my sister died in may ...and it was her birthday on aug 19 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY KALA LOVE YOU SOO MUCH MISS YOU SO MUCH)...so i got a tattoo for her its on my upper back it says "into his arms" in a rainbow shape between my shoulder blades and down my spine it says "KALA" its really pretty i realy like it...umm so also for her mom because my mom and her mom have been best friends since they were 13 we went up to nanaimo on the 21st and spent time with vicky (kalas mom)....which was alot of fun...i went a slept over at my dad too on the last night it was fun... then he took us over to vancouver i was a day early haha lovin it...nicole and beracah were suprised i think :P:P had an amazing time at i think its called Knee drill haha it was aswome...really gave me a chance to kinda find god all over again i was kinda goin off my path for a second there...but i was really saddend...because well everyone got mad at me for smokin and that...and i also found out matt kissed this other girl i mean w/e i liked him everyone knows that(UNFORTINATLY) but yeha that kinda hurt ontop of him like gettin harshly mad at me for smokin again...oh man and im such a fricken chicken i couldent even talk to him about it ....like i sorta mentioned it RIGHT befour he left...but im dissapointed in myself cause that was prolly the last time i was gunna talk to him and it was ruined by ackwardness....and i really enjoy our talked on the comp so i thought they might have been just as good in person but well...ACKWARDNESS....but yeah anyways...im not smokin again just so ppl know.. OH and aww im soo happy andy mac and beracah are finally OFFICAL yay.... PARTY..haha.......j/k....well i am happy for them :P....but a party im a lil crazy.... i really miss everyone like its sooo saddenin like really i dont know what to do...im gunna cry thats what ill do ...*CRYS*...yeah uhhum....crystal and jeff kissed *COUGH*...i dint say that...*COUGH* yes thats right KISSED*cough cough* yepp...so it was interestin but i love vancouver and deff will be back soon im lovin it pce out

Ahhh today has been good, and by the way my mom has been nice to me yay....anyways...met with nicole and beracah at like 12 at there house and ate our pie, thats we made the night befour but it was more like soup pie hahaha, but yeah we baked it the night befour,... but yeah nicole and beracah were both in the weirdest but funniest moods today so that was a major higlight haha i laugh so much of the day....we ended up goin to this all you can eat buffet, chinese foood mmmmmm, but i almost threw up i ate a chicken joint...well spat it out i was really like grossed out haha it was kinda funny...i dont think ill ever be able to eat chicken again...then after that we went to old navey nicole got an awsome outfit toataly gorgeous in it sooo flattering, then went to the Salvation army...then went to mayfair...and walked aroud for a bit and B nded up gettin this shirt at costa blanka which looks soooooo good so good lol , but we dint find pants to go with it soo that actually i dont know why but made me angry and really dissapointed ...like i hate it when me and friends are lookin for somthing and dont find it oh yeah and while we were in the food court okay wait while we were entering the mall my sunglasses broke and then i thought i fixed them but while we were in the food court i realized i hadent and yeha it was making me really mad because it was just one spot one lil spot that would get fixed and it was peeing me off sooo badely, so i ended up sqishin them and throwing them away...nicole and B told me not to but i said that if i had kept them i would have smashed them on our table repeadetly...

MAN im hurting so bad right now....my heart is so heavy and i cant stop crying like, i really fucked up and like i told my mom im not a virgin but i din't tell her at first that it was more than one guy...well today i told her there was more than one guy and man....she is mad she wont talk to me she wont look at me, she dint even deiny (cant spell) that i wasent a slut...and like i havent felt so low in a really loong time like, i knwo that i did my part i litsened to god and stuff, and he forgives me, but i havent felt like this since befour camp and i hate it so yeah if you have any sugestions im here

WARNING VERRY DETAILED(not sutible for younger children)

okay...sooo i made this song/poem a couple months ago now i was really struggeling with some things from my past, and what were happend at that time, i think i might have been on drugs when i made this the poem has been alterd and parts have been cut out for gorey or personal reasons, but most of this is my life and what had happend, what my friends where doin at the time,i also gave it to my mom as a suicide letter had the cops escort me home..... and so on and so forth,, pls dont judge me or think im crazy


Dont Judge Me For Everything

Most days i wish i was never born
I wish i was that unborn baby that died
inside the stomach of a thirteen year old
and when i came out i fell into the F*cken toilet
and was flushed away, carried away, taken away
that way i wouldent have to feel the pain i would feel
when i was born.

I wouldent have to picture myself 15 sittin on top
of a bridge with slit wrists, and f*cken blood running,
and its pouring, its rainin, i could just slip away.

I wasent f*cken planned my f*cken daddy din't want me,
thats why he left, walked out the door,
Siannara baby goodbye, i hate to see you cry but i dont
wanna be a f*cken family no more, You f*cken coward,
I saw you walk out that door, And man after you used to
be a whore, Now look whats your baby gunna be?
cant you see,

You and mom will have to scrape her off a highway, or peel her off a f*ucken
road where she fell and died, Take the knife outa her throte so she couldent cry
find the blood between her legs and know befour she died she was raped,
scraped ....

got in a f*cken scrap learned to rap, your f*cken daughter was a G'
but you wouldent see you had to just leave her be.
She's a f*cken alcoholic and died, she overdosed on pure f*cken Alcohol B!tch,
Give me some XTC(extacy) i'll take 10 caps see what it does to me,
i can feel the heroin in my vains, that shit i havent done in 3 days,

But its still there, You notice it, it will always be there, but
befour i die i'll fucken break into a bitches house, slit
some throtes hang the from the roof,
then i'll go back the next night, and you better be sayin your prayers tonight,
i'll paint there f*cken walls with blood, i'll kill her unborn child, and
slit his throte, i'll make her cry and then she'll die,
i'll hang her from a rope, then i pce

When i go to the morge after im dead, the cases will open
and i'll be raped again even after im f*cken dead,
I'll scream inside, but i wont be able to hide.
and so your all at my funeral mournin my death, but i dont want that,
you cheat death, i want you all to go home and drink your sorrrows away,
Let a mother f*cker p!ss on my grave, im not really there, i was never there
i was already dead, burned f*cken alive, from all the lies,

So there, there's no real body just an empty casket,
almost like i was never made, my mom and dad planned my brother
and daddy stayed, they all lived happily ever after
B!TCH THATS HOW IT WAS MADE!!

CONFESSIONS

WOW... crazzzzy night for me last night man i never wanna go through the guilt and humility i went through again man, so ill tell you about it... it was like 3 in the morning and me my mom and my brother were all still up and i really felt god tellin me to tell my mom somthing that had been buggin me for a while... so i went outside to where she was and explained one of the real reasons for quiting my job was for the sexual abuse, and that jazz and i really dint want to tell her the next thing but i did she kinda guessed it which i thought she would but it was that im not a virgin and that i gave myself away to a 23 year old ...and told her that i had been involved with some pretty messed up people, and man im suprised and very proud of her but she toook it AMAZINGLY well like i thought she'd freak but she understands that i have changed and i dint this so we can have trust in out relationship and she just said you are only human people make mistake, but i was just so scared she like wouldent love me or like not want to talk to me ever again but i feel pretty good about telling her .... oh and if anybody know a good site for hebrew simbols and signs and stuff tell me im lookin for the simbol of PURITY, and STRENGTH, and YESHUA thx :):):)

Just a few things i wanna do somtime in my life....
-Go to These places
-Hawaii
-Brazil
-Germany
-England<3
-France
-mexico
-Brooklyn
-Isreal
-Africa
-Crazy things??
-Bunjee jump
-Sky dive
-Get a tattoo (in 10 days)
-Do a Really crazy stunt
-Finish School
- Go to medical school
-Become a Doctor
-Be a doctor in diffrent countys of need
-I want to learn to play guitar
-Piano
-And drums
-I want to be able to learn one other language
-French
-Hebrew
-Spanish
-Russian
-I want to find a decent guy, who actually cares
-Get married on a beach <3
-have two or three kids
-Live in a decent house with a BEAUTIFUL garden
-Live in a diffrent counrty for a year

The Duck & the Devil
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given
a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he
could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for
dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.
Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the
head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.
In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister
watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
After lunch the next day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But
Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then
she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and
Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally just
smiled and said," Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to
help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and
Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's ... he
finally couldn't stand it any longer.
He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt
down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing
at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave
you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day and every day thereafter?
Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps
throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred
anger, bitterness, etc.) ...whatever it is....You need to know that God was
standing at the window and He saw the whole thing..... He has seen your
whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven
He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only
forgives you, but He forgets ..... It is by God's grace and mercy that we
are saved.
God is at the window.

so today was okay...went shoping and swimming...then went and saw "john tucker must die" really good movie i loved it, it reminded me of this guy i used to like we were like kinda together anyways thats not the point he liked me i liked him for the longest time since i was eight...untill about a year or two ago...yeah... i just thougth it would have been fun to show him what it was like to get your heart broken lol...but he moved...ANYWAYS...enough ashley enogh....im really having a hard time with like my image these day and like guys and especially what guys think of me i dont know whats wrong with me like i usually dont care about this kind of stuff but really...like personally i think its my new hair cut it makes me look like a boy...and im gettin fat....and with my hair cut and being fat at the same time i really dont look good in dressy things anymore its really sad, like i dont know i think guys prolly think im like a dike or somthing ....i dunnno i mean i used to have guys chasing me and like the one guy i really like i cant even seem to get i mean it prolly sounds wrong but i dont even like him for like physical reasons i just really like him...but hey w/e i dont care im over it .....or i will be in like a day or two...i hope....i just need to focus on somthign eles...like loosing weight ...and gettin my hair back god....and ill try to like not talk to him for a while...mabey i dont know its kinda gay but w/e, mabey ill rethink everything and write a new post after i'v actually had proper sleep k...okay ...

Wow nanaimo was soo much fun, lol went to the lake like everyday haha at like 9 i went skinny dippin just me and my friend ashlee so i dint matter i did somthing bad tho i smoked a whole cig this time :( i swear it gets worse everytime....it was with my father too and let me say i could actually not like him very much right now he treats me like i dont have feelings like im a bother like he seemed to always want to get rid of me .... he loves his friends more than me... it feels horrible...i dont know what to do like all my life i was searching for a man that wasent there a man to love me and i reilized it was because i dont have my dad i have been searching...and i finally reilized that i may never get a father in life and human form but i'll always have my father YHWY....which was kinda hard for me at first but i do reilize that i dont need my dad or a boyfriend or any othe guy to make me feel good, having gods love and just living for him being high on him is all i need... but yeah...lol .... somthing funnny happend today ashlee's day came and pick me and ashlee and ashlee's brother andrew up and when we were driving we turned this corner and heard like a thump i guess andrew had forgot that he put his laptop on top of the roof LMAO it was soo funny ...i tryed so hard to keep my laughter in lol....anyways im a go for now bye